A Cut Too Deep to Heal
by capsiclerogers
Summary: AU  Gay James suffers from cutting from the endless bullying. He moves to Minnesota and meets Carlos, Kendall, and Logan. Life is getting better, but he's still afraid of revealing his sexuality. And what's worse is he's falling for his friend! JARLOS.
1. Please Walk Beside Me

**Hey guys! It's Scar!  
>I'm back with a new story. :)<br>I had wanted to take some time off of "Big Time Camping Trip" and started a more serious story. Someone very dear to me is suffering from depression and cutting so I do know how serious it is. I'll try to make it as accurate as possible!  
><strong>

**LIKE I SAID: THIS IS SLASH. IT CONTAINS JARLOS. Just tellin' ya peeps.  
>Enjoy, and R&amp;R! xoxo. <strong>

_Every day it was the same. I would go to school, get thrown into lockers, attacked by homophobic comments; it was all because I was gay. I would go home and lock myself into my room, greet the razorblade I call a friend, and let it comfort me. First, it was an experiment. I've seen it in movies and TV shows, and it made me want to know how it felt. Soon, it became a habit, and every little thing that upset me became a scar on my body. The only friend I had was this blade. It was the only thing that pulled me through thick and thin; only one who cared how I felt. Half a year ago, my mom found out about my cutting when the collection of scars grew on my left wrist. There were about twenty, and it became really obvious. She took me to a psychiatrist and they diagnosed me with chronic depression. My mom transferred me out of my old school and we both moved to Minnesota, where I was to start a new life. Well, here I am._

"Honey, eat up," James's mom, the rich and powerful Brooke Diamond, said to James, handing him a plate full of his favorite foods: two slices of bacon, some scrambled eggs, and an English muffin.

James set it down on the table and pushed it away from him.

"Not hungry," he mumbled, resting his cheek on his hand.

Brooke sighed and took a seat across from James, taking his hand in hers.

"Honey, it's going to be fine. I transferred you to a new school and I've found a great psychiatrist. Baby, you're making progress! You haven't been cutting lately right?" she assured him, giving him a smile.

James nodded. "Yeah, I guess."

"And it's going to be a great first day of school!" Brooke declared, pushing his breakfast closer to him before standing up and walking over to the sink. "By the way, don't forget about the appointment with Dr. Richmond today after school. You need to meet your new psychiatrist."

"Okay." James reluctantly ate his breakfast. Even his favorite foods didn't seem to comfort his turning and twisting stomach. He was so nervous he could hardly breathe. After he finished, he put his empty plate in the sink, grabbed his backpack, and drove to school. He parked his car in an empty parking spot in the school lot, and sat there for a few minutes. He couldn't think straight and he didn't know what to expect. My mom had suggested he pick up school hockey again because he had to stop in between the season from all the shit the team was giving him. He couldn't forget about the mean, homophobic sticky notes they would stick all over the locker room. He shuddered at the memory and stepped out of his Audi A4. It was a present from his mom to celebrate his slow recovery from depression. As he walked closer to the school doors, he felt sweat finding its way down his forehead and started playing with his backpack straps. With a sweaty grip, he pulled open the clear, glass door and entered the main hallway. He scanned around the noisy, bustling hallway of the school and it seemed so different from New York. Well, he knew Minnesota was so much emptier than New York and the traffic was a ton better, but he expected the schools to be similar. New York's schools were a lot bigger.

"Hey watch out!" James heard a voice behind him warn.

Before James could even move, a shorter Latino boy slammed into him. They both fell to the floor with a loud thud.

"Holy crap, I'm so sorry," the boy apologized, getting up onto his feet and helping James up.

"Um, it's okay." James brushed himself off and picked up his backpack. He looked up to see the boy's face clearly. _Damn he's cute… Ugh, I can't think about this now! I should probably leave…_ He started to walk away until the boy stopped him.

"Wait! Are you new here?" He walked closer to James.

James nodded.

"Cool!" the boy exclaimed, gleaming. "I'm Carlos!"

"I'm James," James said back, smiling a bit.

"Where are you from?" Carlos asked, completely interested.

"New York, New York," James replied.

Carlos looked amused. "Whoa! That's freaking awesome! I bet it's so much better than Minnesota huh?"

James started to walk down the hallway towards the principal's office as Carlos tagged along.

"Uh, I guess? I don't know, I just got here a few days ago," James shrugged. This kid made him feel… uncomfortable.

"That's awesome. Well I hope you like it here! You think of joining any sports?" Carlos queried.

"Yeah, ice hockey. I used to play at my last school but I stopped halfway through the season," James replied, accidentally telling Carlos more than he had meant to.

Carlos pushed his dark eyebrows together and tilted his head to the side. "If you don't mind me asking, why?"

James looked down nervously and mumbled incoherently. Carlos got the hint and didn't say another word. James realized he had reached the office when Carlos stopped walking next to him.

"You wanted to get your schedule right?" Carlos assumed, pointing at the office door.

"Oh, yeah." James had forgotten. He was too busy being awkward next to Carlos. "Thanks."

Carlos smirked. "No probs. Hope I see you in tryouts today!"

"Whoa, what? Today? Like after school?" James inquired. "I-I can't make it!"

Carlos put his arm behind his head and ran his fingers in his hair. "Gee, that's too bad," he said, sympathetically and frowned. "Today's the last day."

"Um, thanks anyways," James muttered, disappointed. He really missed being part of a team.

Carlos left and James entered the office. After getting a schedule and locker, he proceeded to his first period, which was chemistry.

He walked into Room 215 and was greeted by all eyes on him.

"Hi," James meekly said, and waved. _What the hell was that? Way to be smooth, James, _he thought.

The teacher stood up and faced the students. "Go on with your labs. If you have any additional questions, you can come up and ask me."

He walked up to James and asked for his name, an attendance sheet in hand.

"James Diamond," he said. He marked the checkbox next to his name and told him to take a seat in the empty seat. He walked to the back of the classroom next to a tall blonde guy with the most ginormous, furry eyebrows he's ever seen.

The boy turned to face him when James slid into the seat next to his. James slowly and awkwardly turned to meet his piercing and intimidating green eyes.

"Hey," the blonde greeted, smiling. "I'm Kendall."

"James." They shook hands. _Man he has a firm grip!_

"Welcome to Rush City High!" Kendall smiled and turned back to his lab.

James sat there, looking around the room. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do. Then he heard laughter coming from Kendall.

"What?" James snapped.

"Calm down, I'm not laughing at you. I'm just wondering why you're looking around the room when you can be helping me finish the fucking lab so we can get out of here. Come on, make yourself useful!" Kendall handed James a tube with a mystery chemical and some protective eyeglasses.

"So, where you from?" Kendall asked as he poured a substance into a glass bleaker. He motioned for James to pour his chemical into the bleaker as well.

"Um," James started, concentrating on pouring the substance and watched as the colors started to change in the bleaker. "New York. Well, Ithaca High to be specific."

"Ah, I heard their hockey team won championships last year. It was a stunning victory by the way, congrats to your team." He scribbled something down on binder paper.

James smiled as he recollected his winning shot at the championships last year. It was _him_ who scored the winning goal. _Him_. And his teammates just forgot all about that. He was just the fag on the team.

"Yeah, that was a great time for me. They were all cheering for me," James thought aloud.

Kendall's green eyes widened. "Whoa, that was _you_?"

James bit his bottom lip and nodded diffidently.

"Dude, that was an epic goal!" Kendall patted James's back. "You need try out for Rush City's ice hockey. I'm the captain."

_Yeah, until he finds out I'm gay,_ James thought bitterly. "I can't make it. I'm busy after school."

Kendall frowned. "Damn, that's a shame. We need a guy like you on the team. Our defense kicks ass but our offense is a little shaky."

"I'll be there," James blurted. He covered his mouth. _What the fuck was that? I have a doctor's appointment today!_

Kendall's face lit up and he flashed his pearly whites. "Sweet!"

The bell rang and they both stood up to hand in their observations. They exchanged their goodbyes and went their separate ways. After fifth period, James walked to his locker to put away some of his textbooks. Coincidentally, his locker was three lockers away from Kendall's.

"Hey, man!" Kendall called rather loudly.

"Hey Kendall," James said as Kendall stepped closer.

"You have any plans this lunch?" Kendall raised a thick eyebrow.

James shook his head and muttered, "No."

"That's all good. Wanna hang with me and my buds?" Kendall asked as they entered the crowded hallways of Rush City High.

James shrugged. "Sure, why not?" He might've seemed cool and nonchalant on the outside, but he was giggling like a fan girl on the inside. It had been so long since someone offered him to hang out with them. His friends have left him to save their image at school, and it had been a while since anyone has said anything nice to him. He was beginning to think that moving was a good idea.

James followed Kendall into the red, black, and white cafeteria where there were different cliques at every table: the nerds, the stoners, etc. He was too busy taking in all the new and different sights that he walked right into Kendall.

"James, these are my friends. Friends, this is James," Kendall announced to his "posse."

James smiled timidly and raised his hand and waved. "Hi."

Kendall's friends all smiled and returned his greeting and exchanged names.

"Hey Logan, where's Carlos?" Kendall questioned, furrowing his eyebrows.

Logan pointed to the lunch line.

"Corn dogs," all three of them concluded in unison.

"Whoa, creepy. You sure you guys aren't, like, robots seeking to take over the world?" James heard himself say. _Fuck! That was so lame! Ugh, why do I have to mess everything up?_

Much to his surprise, the boys busted out laughing. "If you've been here long enough, you'll know Carlos is infatuated with corn dogs," Logan explained.

As if on cue, Carlos sauntered to the table with three corn dogs in his hands. James realized he was the black-haired cutie—err, boy!—that he bumped into in the morning. That made sense now… Kendall and Carlos were both on the hockey team! All of them must be the jocks of the school!

"Guys!" Carlos shrieked with pure ecstasy, "I got a _free _corn dog from the—Oh, hey James!"

"Hey Carls," James grinned. _Wait… Did I just give him a nickname…?_

Carlos looked a bit confused from James's nickname, but shrugged it off. "You gonna be hanging out with us cool kids?" He took a seat next to Logan and crossed his arms, trying to look all badass. It was the dorkiest yet cutest thing James has ever seen.

Kendall nodded and put an arm around James. "_And_ he's trying out for the hockey team! You know the legendary goal that my cousin in New York has been talking about from last year's championship?"

"Yeah?" Carlos eagerly queried, leaning forward.

"It was him. He scored the winning shot and won the championships," Kendall boasted with the biggest smirk in the world on his face.

Logan and Carlos gasped in astonishment. "DUDE! For real?"

James blushed a little. He wasn't used to getting so much attention in the past year. Well, _positive_ attention.

"Hey babe!" A gorgeous blonde girl kissed Kendall on the lips.

"Hi," Kendall greeted, pulling back from the kiss. He put his arm around her waist.

"James, this is my girlfriend Jo," Kendall introduced. "Jo, this is my new friend James."

Jo smiled and waved. "Hi!"

"Hey," James responded, extending his hand out for a handshake.

Jo happily took it and shook it.

The rest of the lunch was great. James had friends now and wasn't a loner. But now he has to explain to his mom that he promised a few people that he was going to tryouts instead of therapy… Great.

**Hopefully not too bad?  
>Yay, hope you guys enjoyed that.<br>Until next time,  
>Scarlett xoxo. <strong>


	2. In Victory

**New chappy! :D  
>This one's really short, but I felt like you guys needed at least something.<br>So I just word vomited on Microsoft Words, and VOILA!  
>I don't think it's too bad... <strong>

"Mom, if you'd just listen—"

"James, no means **no**! Think about it, honey. Which is more important: therapy or hockey?"

"Mom! This is my opportunity to make friends! Dr. Patrick always said that finding friends is vital in recovering from depression. When I have support, I tend to do much better. And Mom, that's why I want to join the hockey team. I love hockey and I'm finally making new friends! Mom, I need this. We can always move the appointment to some other day of the week," James argued over his phone. He was crossing his fingers behind his back.

He heard a long sigh from the other end of the line.

"Fine, James. Fine, you can go to tryouts," Brooke said, giving in. She knew he was right.

James cheered. "Yay, thanks, love you Mom!" He ended the call and proceeded to walk into Rush City's hockey rink.

He was greeted by friendly smiles from the current hockey players and students that were here for the tryouts. He saw Kendall with a brunette with blue eyes, probably the co-captain, behind a desk. There were neat stacks of papers covering the small table and they were each holding a pen in their hands, ready to start scribbling notes on who is good and who is not. There had to be at least fifty people on the ice, and he never had felt so intimidated before. _Okay, take a deep breath James,_ he thought, taking slow and deep breaths, _just focus and do your best. You've done this before. You were the captain of the Red Bears, and you can do this._

"Everyone, on the ice! Tryouts are about to begin!" Kendall announced in a booming voice.

James quickly rushed onto the ice with his hockey stick in hand along with the other kids and waited in a neat, single-file line, waiting for further instructions. Kendall and the co-captain started shouting out drills for the players to do. After a good thirty minutes of intensive drills, James was so tired he wanted to scream "thank you" to the gods when Kendall stopped them.

"You guys can hit the showers now. Results will be posted in the gym tomorrow morning," the brunette co-captain ordered, dismissing the guys in the rink.

James skated to the exit of the rink and stepped out. He walked up to Kendall and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Oh hey," Kendall said, grinning.

"So how'd I do?" James asked, hopeful.

Kendall just shrugged and had a smug smile on his face. "I don't know," he sang.

James wanted to sock him. This was no time to play games! He hadn't played hockey for a whileand he was scared he was out of practice.

Before he could say anything else, the rest of the hockey team appeared behind him in uniform. He assumed practice was after the tryouts.

"Hey, we saw you rip it out there!" Logan exclaimed, patting him on the back. "You were amazing!"

James smiled. He felt a little more relieved. If they thought he was good now even after some time of not playing, wait until he begins practicing!

"Thanks, guys. Did I make it?" James gave them a hopeful look.

"I dunno, Kendall and co-captain Jett make the decisions," Carlos shrugged.

"Mitchell, Garcia, on the ice!" James heard a stentorian voice bellow. He whirled around to see a buff dude in a Minnesota Wild sweatshirt and sweat pants.

"Coach Ryan calls!" Carlos quickly said. Logan and Carlos scurried to sit on the bench with the rest of the team.

"You!" the coach said, pointing at James. "Who are you?"

It was then he realized that everyone who tried out already left like they were supposed to. He felt hot and embarrassed, cheeks burning.

"Uh, James Diamond?" James replied softly.

"What are you still doing here?" His dark eyebrows were furrowed and his eyes were narrowed. He carried a scowl on his face.

"I was here for the tryouts. Sorry." He started to speed walk to the locker room until he heard Kendall say something.

"Coach Ryan, can I request an early acceptance for a new member?"

"What? That's ridiculous. Rules are you must wait until next year."

_Wow, the coach sounds tough_, James thought, watching the scene unravel.

"I know, Coach, but James is **really** good. He helped the Red Bears win championships after all. And the meet tomorrow is going to be tough. We need an offense guy like him as soon as possible," Kendall persuaded, pleading the coach with big, watery eyes.

Coach glanced at James, then back at Kendall.

"Fine, we'll see if we can do something about that," he sighed, scribbling something in his notebook. "Diamond!"

James ran to them as fast as his skates would let him and answered with a, "Yes?"

"On the ice! All of you, including the new guy. I want to see how well you play." He slammed his notebook shut and at once, all the hockey players raced to the entrance of the rink. James was the last to get on the ice.

"Alright, Kendall and Jett pick out their teams. If whatever team that James is on wins, he gets early acceptance. However, if the opposing team wins, he must wait. Clear?"

Everyone nodded as Kendall and Jett skated to the front to face the team. Coach Ryan nodded, signaling it's time to pick teams.

"James," Kendall blurted before Jett could say anything. He had to prove that James was really good.

"Dak," Jett decided.

"Logan," Kendall said after.

"Carlos," Jett said.

"Whoa, what? Carlos is always on my team!" Kendall snapped at Jett's decision.

"Oh boo hoo, Kendall. Suck it up," Jett mocked, rolling his eyes.

_Wow, captains that hate each other. Weird._

Carlos mouthed a "it's okay" to Kendall and took his place next to Jett and Dak. This went on until each team had the same number of people. The coach blew his whistle and the game started.

"JAMES! JAMES! JAMES! JAMES!" Kendall's team cheered as they carried James into the locker room.

James had crushed Jett's team single-handedly, resulting in the score 6-1. They put him down and went to their lockers to get their towels and soap. James took a seat and untied his skates and took of his wet shirt. Then he realized he didn't have a new shirt OR pants to change into. Groaning, he started to put on his New York Rangers sweatshirt with nothing underneath.

"Whoa, what happened to your sides?" he heard someone ask behind him.

He turned around to find Carlos closely inspecting his sides. James pulled his sweatshirt down quickly.

"What do you mean?" James pushed his eyebrows together.

"You're all… purple-y and stuff," Carlos answered, making James laugh.

"I got beat up pretty bad without all the protective gear. Jett pummeled me like ten freakin' times."

"Well, how about the cuts?" he asked innocently, eyes wide like a puppy.

It dawned on him that Carlos was referring to the cuts he made himself. He had started with cutting on his wrist, but when it got obvious, he began to cut on his stomach, his sides, and even his chest. _I'm such a freak,_ James groaned in his mind. _What should I tell him? I'm freaking out!_

"It's nothing," James snapped, slid on his shoes, and grabbed his backpack as he started to leave.

He looked back before walking out, and saw that Carlos was sad and clearly confused as he sat there wondering why James had just yelled at him. James sighed and continued walking out. _Carlos couldn't know. He wouldn't understand; no one would. It was the past now anyways, right? And the past never has to be revisited again. I came to Minnesota to start a new life, and I don't want anything to remind me of my past._

**Aw, poor Carlos. :'(  
>James was mean to him, sorta...<br>Not his fault though!  
>R&amp;R, k thanks. 3 <strong>


	3. Sparks Fly

**OKAY, this is JUST a _filler_.  
>Meaning I know you guys wanted an update but due to my finals, I don't exactly have time to type a REAL chapter. :)<br>Hope you enjoy.  
>BTW, I apologize like SUPER. Sorry. :( <strong>

Carlos laid there awake in the morning on a sunny Saturday, wondering what he had said made James so upset yesterday. He glanced at his clock that read 10:43 AM. He grabbed his phone and started typing away on his iPhone.

**To: James Diamond**

**From: Carlos Garcia**

_**hey its carlos. im not really sure what i did to make u so upset, but im sorry. :( forgive me?**_

He felt his hands shake as he tried to hit the send button. He closed his eyes and clutched his phone to his heart. He hated making people upset; that was just who Carlos was. He was the nicest and friendliest person anyone can ever meet, but he can be a little naïve sometimes. His phone buzzed a few minutes later and he eagerly tapped "view text." It was from James.

**To: Carlitos :)  
>From: James Diamond<strong>

_**Hey sorry about yesterday… didn't mean to snap at you… we cool?**_

Carlos smiled and cheered in silence. He was relieved to find that James forgave him because he sure as hell couldn't live it down if he managed to disappoint a friend he had _just_ made. They got along really well and seemed to take interests in the same things, like pranking. And he couldn't help but giggle at the nickname James had set for him. His fingers started tapping away as he replied.

**To: James Diamond**

**From: Carlos Garcia**

_**yaaaaaay! can we hang 2day? def wanna make it up 2 u.**_

**To: Carlitos :)**

**From: James Diamond**

_**Sure, come over.**_

Carlos bit his lip in contentment, but there were questions that were yet to be answered speeding through his mind. Why did he feel so happy that James invited him over? It was just a hangout, like he has with all of his other friends. And why was James so defensive about his scars?

**Excited yet? :D  
>All you peoples waiting for Jarlos to start...<br>R&R! **


	4. All the Wrong Things

**Wow, this chapter is going to be intense.  
>If I make any grammatical errors, I seriously apologize.<br>I knew a lot of you were waiting for an update, so I did this as fast as I could!  
>ENJOY! 33<br>BTW; I changed my pen name cuz now it has my name in it! **

_Carlos was going to be here any minute,_ thought James as he frantically dug through his pile of clothes for the right shirt and pair of jeans, _why am I taking so fucking long?_ After he decided to settle with a grey slim fit v-neck, it looked like a tornado struck his room. He grabbed all his clothes and stuffed in back in his closet. He slipped on a pair of black skinny jeans and proceeded to do the daily routine of hair styling. Just in time, he heard his phone buzz, signaling he just received a text.

**To: James Diamond**

**From: Carlitos :) **

_**im here :)**_

James took calming deep breaths as he ran down the stairs to open the door. _Relax James, he's just a friend. He's not gay and you _can't_ let him know you're gay! You don't want your life back to the way it was like at Ithaca right?_ The lock clicked open as he turned the knob and swung the door open. He was greeted by a dazzling smile on the handsome boy's face. Carlos was wearing a cute blue plaid shirt and dark skinnies, making James immediately regret wearing his outfit. He felt ridiculous and unimpressive. _Stop James! It doesn't matter, he's just a friend! _He had a strong urge to slap himself.

"Come in," James urged, smiling a huge smile. Carlos stepped into the house and started ogling at his humongous house slash mansion.

"Dude!" Carlos exclaimed. "SICK ASS HOUSE!"

James chuckled at the short Latino. He led him upstairs and shut the door behind them after they arrived in James's room. Carlos immediately kicked off his shoes and sprinted straight towards his bed.

"Sure, jump on my bed before you ask," James scoffed, pretending to get mad. He saw Carlos with sad, glistening eyes and immediately apologized. "Wait, don't be sad. I'm sorry, I was kidding."

"Oh, okay!" Carlos's wide grin made its way back on his annoyingly perfect face as he sat down on the bed.

"So whaddaya wanna do?" James asked, taking a seat next to him. "My house is boring since we haven't really finished unpacking yet."

Carlos scrunched up his face, obviously deep in thought. "Hmm… Let's just talk! I wanna know more about you."

James felt uneasy. He didn't like talking about himself because he knew it would eventually end with what happened at Ithaca. But he couldn't say no to Carlos's dark brown puppy eyes. They were way too persuading.

"Uh sure," James sighed.

"So what's your favorite food?" Carlos questioned in his best attempt as an interviewer. He even "held a microphone" in his hand, raising it to James's mouth.

James couldn't help but crack a smile at Carlos's immaturity.

"Easy question, pizza."

"Interesting. And I love—" Carlos began but was cut off by James.

"Corndogs," James replied very matter-of-factly.

"How'd you know?" Carlos gasped, astonished at James's knowledge. "STALKER?"

James ruffled Carlos's short hair and said, "Hey, calm down little dude. Everyone on planet earth knows you're obsessed with corn dogs."

James thought he saw Carlos blush, but decided it was just his mind playing games with him. Carlos giggled embarrassedly. _Ah! Why is he tempting me with his… cuteness! There is nothing I would not give just to have the chance to tell him how I felt about him and kiss him._

"Anyways, moving on!" Carlos cleared his throat and brought back the air microphone. "Who is your favorite music artist?"

James thought for a bit. "Eh, probably Maroon 5. Adam Levine's voice is so fucking amazing. Man, if I could sing like him—"

"ME TOO!" Carlos interrupted, practically screaming. He proceeded with singing a verse from 'Harder to Breathe'—fairly badly though.

James laughed at Carlos's failed attempt, resulting in getting hit by Carlos.

"Ow! What's that for?" James was still rolling over laughing.

"Well, well, well—"

"Spit it out boy! Well what?" James teased, watching Carlos turn red in the face.

"Can you sing better?" Carlos retorted jokingly, still hitting James.

James caught his arm and put Carlos into an arm bar/chicken wing (wrestling move). Carlos's face was now smushed on James's bed. He started mumbling but was incomprehensible.

"Actually, I can," James answered, trying to keep Carlos down. Then he let Carlos go. He started to sing "Misery" in the most angelic voice Carlos has ever heard. His eyes widened with surprise, forgetting all about the wrestling move James had pulled on him earlier.

"Whoa, man, you're so good," Carlos praised.

James thanked him with a smile. "I was a drama kid back in New York. I got lead _every time._" He didn't even realize he brought up his past.

"Nice!" Carlos chirped, raising his hand for a high five. James lightly slapped his face instead. _He's just too much fun to tease. Why does he have to be so cute yet unattainable?_

"So why did you move?" James's smile faded away as soon as he heard those dreaded words, the only question that made confident James want to run into a corner and hide.

James didn't know what to say. He didn't want to snap at Carlos again; he knew Carlos had given himself hell for upsetting him on Friday. He felt a hand on his shoulder, making him jump. His heart was beating rapidly as he racked his brain for something to say back to Carlos.

"You okay?" Carlos asked, a concerned tone now in his voice.

James nodded his head a little and felt tears starting to fill his eyes as nightmarish memories started to replay in his mind. All the locker-throwing, the name-teasing, the daily beat-ups—everything. Part of him was _dying_ to spill all of this to Carlos. There was this deep connection between James and Carlos; he knew he could trust him. But the other part of him was not willing to cooperate with him and face the past. He just… couldn't. It was too painful, regardless of who was asking.

"James," he heard Carlos's serious but calming voice say to him and felt Carlos's soft hand squeeze his, but nothing could coax him into saying anything. He was completely glacial. "You know you can tell me anything right? I don't want to pry the information out of you, but it seems like you had a bit of a hard time. I just want to help."

Warm tears started running down his cheeks and James started sniffling, as he put his hands on his face. His body started uncontrollably shaking. He felt something wrap around him. _Huh? Arms? __**Carlos's**__ arms!_ He stopped sniffling and looked to the side to see Carlos's head resting on his shoulder as he gave him a comforting hug. He knew he had to tell somebody; he had to face the past… but just not now.

Carlos let go and James immediately started to miss the warm embrace.

"You okay? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked that—"

"It's fine," James cut in, releasing a sigh. "It's just… I'm not ready to talk about that. Is that okay?"

Carlos nodded and gave him a little smile. "I should probably go now."

James wiped his eyes and led him down the stairs and out to the porch. Before Carlos left, he gave James a long hug and shot him a reassuring smile. "Text?"

James bit his lip and nodded as he waved goodbye and closed the door. As he walked to his room, he could feel something rise in his stomach. It felt familiar, but it wasn't something he had experienced recently. It had been a few good months. But that urge grew stronger and stronger and James knew what he had to do. He had to turn back to his own ways and mend his broken friendship with his razor. _Don't James, please don't! You don't need to cut to release pain. Call Carlos, call the doctor, I don't know! Just please don't do this. _Too bad his legs and arms had different minds of their own because there was nothing he could do to stop them. He walked into the bathroom, opened the cabinet, and there it was, waiting for James to pick it up and start cutting away. He lifted his shirt and ran the blade along his stomach three times, wincing as blood trickled down his abdomen. _And you did it…_ he thought. He cleaned the blade and set it back to where he had stashed it. He was instantly washed over with guilt as he realized what he had just done. The horrible habit he had managed to stop had started again all because he wasn't normal. What had he done that made him deserve all this? Why couldn't he just be straight and not a freak? Now he was angry. Angry at himself for cutting himself again, angry at himself for not talking to Carlos when he had the god damned chance, and angry at himself for just being himself. He slammed his fist down on his sink counter, huffing in rage. He lifted his shirt again and stuck a few band aids on the cuts. He walked out and locked himself in his room for the rest of the day, thinking about what he had just done. Why couldn't it have been someone else?

***LINEBREAKLINEBREAKLINEBREAK***

On Monday during lunch…

"Hey."

James turned from his locker to see Carlos behind him, standing there with a sad smile on his face.

"Oh, what's up?" James greeted, turning back to put the textbooks in his locker. He slammed it shut and spun the lock so the arrow pointed to zero.

"How are you feeling?" Carlos queried as they both strolled in a leisurely pace to the cafeteria.

"Um," James mumbled, hesitating at first. "Good. Fine. Don't worry about me."

"Hey James!" a brunette girl said, winking as they passed her. James smiled at her politely. _Okay, not interested…_

"That was like the fifth fucking girl that flirted with me," James said, annoyed and rolling his eyes.

"Isn't that good? Dude, you're a stud," Carlos answered, trying to sound enthusiastic. James knew something was on his mind though.

"Dude?" James asked, raising his eyebrows.

Carlos looked around them and jerked James into the janitor's closet. Carlos locked the door behind them and felt around, trying to find the light switch. It was dark and _really_ cramped.

"What the fuck?" James hissed. "Why are we in here?"

He reached for the doorknob but Carlos slapped his hand. James shot him daggers, but Carlos could barely see anything.

"Sh!" Carlos pulled James to the floor and made him sit criss-cross apple sauce. "James, you need to talk to me. On Saturday, you scared me. There's no way you can't talk about this with someone."

Carlos sounded extremely serious for the first time ever, and this frightened James. He knew Carlos meant business.

James felt panic rush over him as he frantically shook his head. "I can't! Carlos please let me out of here! I'm claustrophobic!" James was hyperventilating.

"The sooner you tell me, the sooner we can leave," Carlos declared. "You're going to have to face this sooner or later, so speak up." He put a reassuring hand on James's shoulder, but James shook it off.

"Carlos," James snarled, freaking out from the recollection of his past (again) and the enclosed space. "I'm dead fucking serious. I'm going to pass out. And… and please stop putting your hand on my shoulder. I get… confused!"

Carlos narrowed his eyes and scrunched his eyebrows in confusion. "Confused? What? Okay, whoa, calm down James. Nothing is going to happen here. Just _tell me._ Please James, I'm begging you."

James felt his… well, everywhere… perspire and took deep breaths. He gasped for air and when he finally could speak, he said, "Yes! Look I can't tell you _how_ you're confusing me, but you just are! And I can't, Carlos! I just can't!" He stood up and busted out of the janitor's closet before Carlos could do or say anything. He fought the tears that wanted to fall from his but managed to catch each one in time. He ran to the boy's bathroom and locked himself in a stall. _No, please don't do this to me,_ he groaned as he felt the sickness return to his stomach. _No, not right now. Don't do this to me, don't do this to me._ But he had to. He had to do _something._ He didn't have a blade, but he did have his fingernails. And he had to do it. There was no way around it. Reluctantly, he grabbed his left forearm and started digging his nails into his skin until his arm and fingers were stained red. He didn't even try to hide his sobbing because right now, he just didn't give a fuck. All he knew is he needed help—and help fast.

**:0 Hope that wasn't too graphic/ungraphic.  
>Haha, hope you loved it! 3<br>R&R! 3**

**Until next time,  
><strong>**Scarlett xoxo. **


	5. No More Lies, No More Running

**Really quick update!  
>I'm sorry it's really short, but I had severe writer's block!<br>I'll be sure to post a more epic one next time. :)  
>I really liked the part where... well just read it! <strong>

The bell rang, signaling the day's official end. _Oh thank God,_ James thought as he stacked his textbooks and grabbed his backpack. All he had to do was put some textbooks away, take some binders home, and he'll be out of this place. Today had been total crap, and the red scratch marks on his arm were all the proof he needed. He was debating whether to tell his new psychiatrist that he met on Sunday about his cutting again.

_ "Hi, James, I'm Dr. Richmond," the relatively young man said, extending his hand for a shake. James took it and firmly shook it. "So I'm going to be asking you a few questions. Do you mind?"_

_ James sighed and braced himself for painful questions. Dr. Richmond asked him about his life in New York and he was reluctant to say anything. Eventually, Dr. Richmond moved on._

_ "So are you still in a routine of cutting?" he asked James, scribbling notes on a notepad._

_ "What do you mean?" James answered with question, nervously fidgeting in his chair._

_ "How long have you not cut?" Dr. Richmond repeated again, rearranging his words a bit._

_ "A good few months," James lied. He had cut yesterday, but that was just once. It couldn't have counted right?_

_ They both sat there in silence as the doctor wrote away on his notepad._

_Nah,_ he decided. He knew it was extremely bad to just keep this to himself, but he felt ashamed. He felt like it was his own problem that no one had any right to know about. It was his own guilty pleasure. After retrieving his necessities, he stepped out into the school parking lot. As he was walking to his car, he saw a familiar face approach him from the corner of his eye.

"James!" Carlos was calling for him.

James groaned and ignored the voice. He continued to walk to his car. He opened his door and closed it as fast as he could. He scrambled for his keys and turned the ignition on. But just as he was about to pull out of the parking space, Carlos got into the passenger seat.

"Dude!" James exclaimed, throwing his hands up.

"I'm not leaving until you talk to me." Carlos's voice is filled with concern and his eyes looked teary.

James pushed the sleeves of his sweater up. Whenever he got nervous and into panic mode, he felt really hot. He saw Carlos gaping at his forearm.

"What…" Carlos began to say, pointing at his arm.

James looked at his arm and immediately pulled his sleeves down. "Get out, Carlos."

"No! What… What's going on? Why won't you tell me?" Carlos was on the verge of tears. James had never felt more guilty. Carlos was trying to be compassionate and be there for James, but all he wanted to do was push him away. But he just couldn't tell anyone!

"I can't say!" James growled and hit the steering wheel. "Please Carlos, just go…"

James's words, however, seemed to go in one ear and out the other, because Carlos didn't move. "I won't judge you," Carlos mumbled.

James couldn't hear Carlos. "What? I can't hear you."

"I won't judge you," Carlos half shouted.

James was now fighting back tears, but finally got the courage to answer. "You will."

Carlos looked at James. "Really, James? You think I'm the type of guy to judge my friends? I'm _not_ James! And I don't know how I can make myself any more clear!" Carlos tried to turn James's face towards him, but to no avail.

James didn't dare look at Carlos. He couldn't. He was getting pulled all different directions. He wanted to tell Carlos; he told himself he trusted him, yet he couldn't. If he glanced at Carlos, his chocolate brown eyes would tempt him into doing impulsive things to Carlos, like fucking him in the car right then and there. And the fact that he was making his friend cry—it killed him. But he didn't know what to do.

He felt Carlos take his left hand and start to pull up his sleeves, but James knocked his hands off.

"Stop," James demanded, still not making eye contact with Carlos. Carlos forcefully grabbed his arm again, this time unable to be shaken off.

James's head whipped towards Carlos.

"Don't do it, Carlos. Or I swear I will—" James began but was cut off by Carlos.

"Or you swear you'll what? Kill me? I don't fucking care. I'm not scared of you, James," Carlos snapped, surprising James. _Wow, that kid's got spunk,_ he thought.

As Carlos pulled the sleeve higher and higher, James fought it more and more. Carlos slapped James on the arm.

"Stop wriggling," Carlos commanded.

James felt his face turn a dark shade of pink. He felt so embarrassed. Soon Carlos is going to pelt him with questions and accusations; he couldn't handle it. Carlos ran his hand over the scratch marks.

"Ow," James whined, cringing a little bit. They were fresh wounds, and still stung.

Carlos muttered an apology and stopped touching them. "Did you scratch yourself?" Carlos looked up at James with sad eyes.

James bit his lip and decided to reply with a nod. Carlos looked back down at his arms. "And these cuts? Were they made by you?"

James felt tears well up in his eyes due to embarrassment and guilt. He felt so ashamed of himself. He was a freak and he knew it. James looked out the window to hide from Carlos's eyes. He felt Carlos tugging at the hem of the shirt near the waist. _Was he trying to take my shirt off?_

"What are you doing?" James snapped, slapping Carlos's hand.

"Shut up, James," Carlos said in flat tone.

"Don't tell me to shut up," James barked. In a way, he felt kind of… turned on. He really, really liked Carlos more than a friend, but he knew Carlos wasn't taking his shirt off for some fun. He wanted to see the scars he saw on Friday. Then Carlos tried to force his shirt off.

"Take the damn shirt off, James!" Carlos hissed, fighting to pull the shirt over James's head.

"Carlos, get off of me!" James cried, attempting to pry Carlos's hand off his shirt. Carlos's hand wouldn't budge though. _Damn, little boy's stronger than I thought,_ James muttered in silence. Carlos finally won and took the shirt off.

James shrieked like a girl and used his arms to cover his naked torso. Carlos would've laughed at his feminine scream, but was too concerned with what was going on right now. He pried James's arms from his chest and jumped at the sight of so many scars… and three semi-fresh cuts.

"Okay, show's over," James quickly blurted and scrambled to put on a shirt. His windows were not at all tinted and students could probably see him shirtless. It must've looked like they were getting feisty.

Carlos sat back down, satisfied. "Why didn't you tell me about this?"

James pulled his shirt down. "How could I? I'm so ashamed by them, Carlos. You don't understand what it's like to be me."

"So what did you have after school on Friday?" Carlos queried, suddenly remembering.

"An appointment with my new psychiatrist," James replied. "I went on Sunday."

"Did you tell him about your recent cuts?" Carlos asked again.

James didn't answer and just looked down.

"James, you have to! If you don't tell him, you have to tell _someone_." Carlos looked dead serious.

James shook his head. "I can't. I can't face the past. It's too… painful."

Carlos hugged James and rubbed his back in a circular motion. _Please don't get too excited, James_, James thought to himself as he felt his… manhood tingle. "It's okay," Carlos whispered.

He wanted to stay like this forever, but he knew that he would get a boner if this kept going on, so James retreated. Carlos opened the car door, about to leave but stuck his head back in one last time.

"Hey James?"

James looked up. "Yeah?"

"If you need someone to talk to… Well…" Carlos looked nervous as he fiddled with his fingers. "I'm here for you—always."

James felt his lip curl a little and nodded. Carlos shot him a small smile and slammed the car door shut. James sighed and turned on the ignition again and drove home.

**Heehee, I loved the pulling off the shirt scene. It was so hot.  
>Even though Carlos just wanted to see the scars, IT WAS STILL HOT.<br>R&R guys! Much looooove!  
>BTW, I began a new KOGAN story called "It Started With A Kiss" based off of the lyrics of Mr. Brightside by The Killers.<br>Yup, go check it out!**

**Until next time,  
>Scarlett xoxo. <strong>


	6. My Savior

**Okay, I apologize if the alcohol stuff wasn't accurate.  
>I'm 16 for crying out loud, and I've never been drunk. D:<br>Bear with me, kids!  
><em>Really<em> didn't like this chapter, but... my brain's busted... **

As soon as he got home, James threw himself onto his bed and let out a muffled groan, tears stinging his eyes. Words could not explain how embarrassed he felt. _Carlos must think I'm some freak now. He just doesn't want to admit it. He hates me, he hates me,_ he told himself, hitting himself. _Why am I so fucking worthless?_ His phone rang, breaking his chain thoughts as he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. _Carlitos :),_ it read.

"Hello?" James said, voice quivering. He sat up to wipe away his tears.

"James? Are you crying?" Carlos asked in a worried tone.

James laughed an empty laugh. "Yeah, but I'm fine," he replied, shrugging. "Don't worry about it." Bullshit. He wasn't fine.

"James, don't play games with me. Tell me the truth, now. Last time you said you were okay, you weren't." Carlos sounded dead serious.

James sighed. "Don't worry, Carlitos. I'll be fine."

"No, there's something wrong. I'm coming." And with that, Carlos hung up.

James groaned and chucked his phone at the wall. "Fuck you Carlos..." he murmured before he got up and left his room.

He crept downstairs to make sure his mom wasn't home. After looking around the house with his mom nowhere in sight, he walked to the pantry and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. He popped it open and took a large gulp, his throat on fire. He smiled a little and took another sip from it. The burning sensation was taken over by a sort of numbness that he enjoyed. After downing a good amount, his vision started to blur and he couldn't walk straight. With the help of furniture and objects in the house, he slowly but surely made his way to the front door. He took another large gulp and felt around for the doorknob. By then, the whole world was spinning rapidly around him, making him dizzy. He found the knob and with one twist, he flung the door open. He staggered out onto the porch and fell on his butt. He giggled. He grabbed onto a bench and helped himself up, taking another sip from the bottle. _This is fun,_ he thought. _I bet if I took the car, no one would notice. I'm a failure and worthless, and if I died no one would know._ He stumbled to the car, taking sips after every few steps until he made it to the car. He rummaged through his pocket and fumbled to unlock the door. He flung himself into the car and shut the car door. He closed his eyes, feeling sick from moving too fast. He rolled down the car windows and turned the radio on, blasting Nicki Minaj's _Super Bass_. He would've rapped along if he could make coherent words. He shifted the gear to reverse and was about to step on the gas pedal when the passenger door flung open and a man slid inside. James squinted his eyes to try and focus his blurry vision and widened when he realize it was Carlos.

"Carlos?" he slurred, reaching his hand out to touch Carlos's face.

"James, are you drunk?" Carlos asked through gritted teeth.

James gave him a hearty smile and giggled. "_Iono am I?_"

Carlos furrowed his eyebrows, trying to understand what James was saying. "I can't believe you're fucking drunk and you were about to drive!" He snatched the bottle from James's hand.

"Hey!" James whined, about to throw a tantrum. "Mine! Go get your own!"

"_Whiskey?_" Carlos exclaimed angrily. "James you're in so much fucking trouble!"

James laughed and poked Carlos's dimple. "You're so hot when you're mad~!"

Carlos slapped James's finger. "Stop it! You need to get inside!" He turned off the ignition and pulled the keys from the slot. He stepped out of the car, walked to the driver's side, and opened the door.

"Noooo! I want to drive!" James complained, thrashing wildly as Carlos helped him out.

"James, you're not driving! Stop squirming!" Carlos angrily said, jerking him out.

James was leaning on Carlos as he tried to make his way into the house.

"Ugh, I'm not feeling so well." James clutched his stomach. Carlos let James go and he fell to the ground with a thud. Before Carlos could do anything, James retched and the contents of his stomach came pouring out. Carlos shuddered at the sight and patted James on the back, waiting for him to empty his stomach clean. After a good ten minutes, Carlos helped James back up on his feet and led him into the house. He carried James, bridal style, up to his room and laid him gently on the bed. He sat next to him, stroking a drunken James. James's eyelids felt extremely heavy as the world continued to spin around him.

"Oh James," he heard Carlos say under his breath. "What am I gonna do with you?"

James giggled. "You can kiss me."

Carlos raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"You know I'm hot," James said, poking Carlos in the stomach. "Who wouldn't want me?"

Carlos felt his face turn red. "Er, James, go to sleep."

"You're blushing!" James exclaimed, poking Carlos's cheek. "You _liiiiike_ me!"

Carlos sighed and removed James's hand from his face and put it back down on his stomach. "Go to sleep, James. You're drunk out of your mind."

"Don't be ashamed! I like you toooooo! No, no, I _love_ you!" James cooed, still slurring his speech.

Carlos gasped a little, but then frowned. James slowly began to close his eyes, snoring lightly. Carlos smiled and kissed James on the forehead. _Why am I so in love with you?_ Carlos sighed at sight of sleeping James._ You don't actually love me like that. It's just the alcohol talking. You'd never be with a guy like me._

***LINEBREAKLINEBREAKLINEBREAK***

James woke up with a splitting headache and a wave of nausea washed over him as soon as he sat up.

_Aw man, what happened?_ He groaned in his mind. His eyes widened and he covered his mouth as he rushed to the toilet and vomit. _God, what the hell did I do?_

James heard footsteps outside the bathroom and turned to see Carlos peeking in.

"You okay?" He sounded worried and concerned.

He gave him a thumbs-up and turned back to the toilet, resting his head on the u-bend. _I feel like shit… _He felt a hand rest on my back and he knew that Carlos was behind him, reassuring him.

"So when did you get here?" James asked, standing up and flushing the toilet. He couldn't remember what happened after leaving the house. Maybe his mom let him in.

"Since four PM. I wouldn't _expect_ you to remember because you were intoxicated as fuck," Carlos answered coldly, glaring at him.

James sighed. "Carlos, I'm sorry…"

Carlos shook his head, holding up his hand. "Save it."

James looked down at his feet, feeling guilty. _I'm such an idiot._

"Anyways, I just want to make sure you're okay. I gotta go, it's getting late," Carlos said, not making eye contact with James. "See ya." He was about to turn and leave until James stopped him.

"Wait Carlos! I'm so sorry, I don't know what I was thinking!" James tried, only to get a disapproving look from Carlos.

"James, did you have any idea what could've happened if I wasn't here?" Carlos snapped, stepping closer to James.

James shook his head slowly. "I-I can't remember a thing," James silently confessed.

Carlos scoffed and looked away. "Of course. Let me enlighten you then, James. You were completely drunk and you were about to drive away. How could you be _so irresponsible_? If you felt like there is something wrong, you need to call your psychiatrist! You know, the one that helps you cope with your feelings? Maybe you should try telling _him_ the truth. What would you do if I didn't come, huh? You could've, no **would've**, killed yourself and possibly someone else! I can't even-!" He stopped and let out a sigh. "Nevermind," he mumbled.

James felt hot tears start to pour onto his cheeks. He had never seen Carlos so upset over something, and to know that he caused it broke his heart. He never meant to hurt anybody but himself.

"I'm sorry," James apologized, shaking into his hands. "I-I didn't mean—mean to h-hurt you…" James couldn't finish his sentence before he started to hyperventilate. This always happened. He would panic and then he couldn't breathe. He felt arms wrap around him and looked up. Carlos gave him a weak smile and pulled him in tighter. James took in Carlos's sweet scent of his cologne and closed his eyes, letting the tears fall from his eyes. "I'm sorry…" James managed to choke out, only to have Carlos "shhh…" him.

Carlos pulled away and looked at James straight in the eyes. "If you **ever** pull a stunt like this again, I…" He sighed and shook his head. "Nevermind."

James frowned. "Nevermind what?"

"I was going to say that I wouldn't help you again, but that's a lie." Carlos gave him a smile.

"You would help me again?" James asked, shocked. "Even after all this?"

Carlos bit his lip and nodded. "Of course. You're my friend, James. You mean a lot to me."

James felt his million-dollar smile return at Carlos's sweet words.

Carlos's face turned darker and narrowed his eyes. "I'm not telling you to do this again though..."

James laughed a little. "I know, I know. I hope I didn't say anything too stupid when I was drunk."

Carlos tried to laugh but looked like something was on his mind. "Haha, yeah…"

James's smile faded away. "Oh no, what did I say?"

"Don't worry about it, James. It's not that bad." What a lie.

"No, I want to know," James firmly said, putting a hand on Carlos's shoulder.

Carlos started to sweat and he laughed nervously. "Um." He gulped. "Just, you know, drunk talk."

James didn't stop looking at Carlos. "Like…?"

"You said you loved me, and that I… I should kiss you." Carlos gulped again and saw James's hardened expression turn… embarrassed? He could've sworn he saw James blush.

"Carlos… I'm sorry… I don't know what came over me-," James started, desperately trying to hide his flushed face.

Carlos smiled and shook his head. "It's fine. You were drunk. I know you don't actually like me like that."

James sighed and cleared his throat. "Carlos, actually we need to talk about that. We're friends right? And we can talk to each other about anything. No judgments, no nothing."

"Right…" Carlos shot James a confused look.

James couldn't lie to Carlos anymore. After what Carlos had done to help him, he didn't have the heart to. All he could do was hope that Carlos would understand. By no means did he expect Carlos to return the love, but he hoped that Carlos would still want to be his friend. He felt his heartbeat quicken as he remembered the reactions he got from his "old friends." How they called him "queer" and "fag." He could feel tears start to spill out as he mustered up the courage to say what he said next.

"The thing is… I do, um, love you. Yeah, I was wasted when I said it, but it was true." James waited for Carlos to respond, but all he received was a shocked Carlos with his mouth agape.

"Maybe," James sighed, biting his lip, "Maybe it's time I told you about what happened in New York."

Carlos just stood there, not knowing what to say. He finally responded with a nod and took a seat on the tile floor.

"I'm… gay. Obviously, I just confessed my feelings for you. And let's just say the people at my school were less than accepting. It all started when I started to fall for my best friend, Dean."

James glanced up to see if Carlos was listening, and he was. "I told someone I thought I could trust, but she ended up telling him that. I was mortified, but I thought because he was my friend, he'd _at least_ try and talk this out."

James wiped away the tears that were starting to fall with his hands. Carlos handed him a tissue and whispered, "Go on."

James took a deep breath. He felt his hand tremble and closed his eyes. _Come on James, you can do this._ "He just told everyone." He let out a sniffle as his voice cracked. _Ugh, I sound like a pussy._

Carlos lifted his chin up, flashing him an amiable smile. "James, you can do this. You're a strong guy."

"Funny I don't feel like it," James mumbled. He took another breath before he continued. "Everyone hated me. I can't even _begin_ to describe the shit I got from people. I was bullied, physically and emotionally, every single day. My teammates that **I led to victory**despised me. They all said I was a faggot and they hoped I died."

Tears were beginning pour down like waterfalls as he finished his story. Carlos pulled him in and gave him a long, comforting hug.

"And now look at me. I have cuts everywhere and my arm is all fucked up. I'm a hopeless person." James took a long gaze at his clawed up arm and looked away. "I'm a freak."

"Don't say that," Carlos snapped angrily, pulling away and looking straight into James's soft, hazel eyes. "You're not a freak. You know what I see those scars as?"

"What?" James was a bit afraid of Carlos's answer.

"Battle scars. A battle that you conquered with the help of your friends." Carlos's smile gave James's a glimmer of hope. James felt the corners of his lips lift a bit.

"Thanks, Carlitos." James wrapped his arms around Carlos and gave him a hug. He held onto him a little longer than necessary. Once he realized, he pulled back quickly.

Carlos could see James's face turn scarlet.

"I-I'm so-sorry!" James stammered. "I don't want you to feel uncomfortable-!"

"Hey, calm down." Carlos laughed at James's paranoid reaction, which resulted in a slap.

"Why are you laughing?" James was pouting, making Carlos laugh even more.

"I happen to _know_ that gay people don't hit on every moving object, okay?" Carlos bit his lip shyly. "And plus, _I kind of maybe like you too._"

**YIKES, I cliffhang at the worst parts ever.  
>R&amp;R? <strong>


	7. Can You Keep A Secret?

**Okay so new chappy!  
>Enjoyyyyy. <strong>

* * *

><p>James stared at Carlos, eyebrows raise and widened eyes. "R-really? I thought you were straight…"<p>

Carlos laughed lightly. "Me too. Maybe I'm James-sexual?"

James couldn't help but crack a smile and beam at Carlos. Words couldn't even begin to explain how flattered and happy he felt.

"See, there's the beautiful smile I know and love," Carlos commented, turning a bit pink.

James broke away from Carlos's gaze as he felt his face burn up. "You're so perfect, it drives me crazy," James thought aloud. His eyes enlarged at this realization and shot a look at Carlos, completely mortified. "I… that was embarrassing…"

Carlos busted out into fits of laughter. James pouted. "Whaaaaat?" he complained, hitting Carlos on the arm.

"You're just the most adorable thing ever," Carlos said, grinning.

They were both just sitting there, face to face, without talking. Nothing needed to be said; they were both just glad for each other's company.

"Kiss me," James whispered, eyes fixed with Carlos's.

Carlos's chocolate brown eyes lit up and a smile appeared on his tan face. Without further ado, he leaned in slowly and their lips touched. James put his hands on Carlos's jaw, deepening the kiss. Carlos moaned softly, melting in the contact. Carlos felt a smirk creep onto James's face as he jammed his tongue into Carlos's mouth. Carlos ran his fingers through James's soft hair and tugged on it gently. James let a gasp escape his lips. They pulled back, slightly gasping for air. James stood up and helped Carlos from the ground.

"Where are we going?" James heard Carlos ask but he didn't respond. He just took Carlos by the hand and led him to his room.

"Wait, we're not going to… _do it_, right?" Carlos frantically questioned, desperate for an answer. Panic made its way into Carlos's body.

James chuckled as he let go of Carlos's hand. He climbed onto his bed and under his covers. "Relax, Carlos. I'm just tired and I really need to rest."

"Oh, well then I'll just leave. I'll let you rest." Carlos was about to turn around and head for the door before he was pulled down onto the bed by a rather strong hand. He whipped around and furrowed his eyebrows, confusion clearly shown in his face.

"Stay and cuddle," James pleaded, giving Carlos his best puppy face. Carlos smiled and slid next to James. He took James's hand and laced his fingers with James's. James put his head on Carlos's chest and closed his eyes.

"Happy?" James fluttered his eyes opened and looked up at Carlos with innocent eyes as he smiled. "Very," he responded. Carlos gave him a smile back and lightly ran his fingers through James's hair. Soon enough, James grew drowsy from all the alcohol and the crying and fell asleep in his lover's arms.

When James woke up, Carlos was already gone. He frowned and glanced at the clock. _Holy crap, it's 10:48 PM?_ He had been asleep for five or six hours. He heard his stomach growling and threw off his covers. He switched into some sweats and a New York Rangers shirt before he went downstairs to satisfy his hunger. He rummaged through the fridge before he decided to make a PB&J. He popped some bread into the toaster and grabbed the jelly and peanut butter.

"Hey baby." James put down his knife and jellied-up bread as he saw his mom standing in the doorway.

"Hey Mom, when did you get home?" He picked up the knife and bread again, starting to slather a generous amount of peanut butter on the other slice.

"Around 8 PM. Did something happen in the afternoon?" She was standing by the doorway, arms crossed.

He smashed the two pieces of toast together and put the butter knife into the sink before answering.

"Um, what do you mean? Not really…" James sunk his teeth into the sandwich, attempting to hide his guilt for lying to his mom. A lot of shit happened in the afternoon, but there's no way he could tell her. What would he say? _"You're right. Something did happen. I stole some alcohol from the pantry and was drunk out of my mind. Then I tried to drive away, hoping to kill myself in some accident. Then Carlos showed up and rescued me. I then confessed my feelings for him while I was smashed and vomited my organs out. Then we made out."_ He nudged it out of his head before he actually could blurt it out by accident.

"Well when I woke up, I saw you and Carlos in your room sleeping. You guys were lying pretty close together, if you catch my drift…" His mom inched closer to James.

James practically stuffed the sandwich into his mouth so he had an excuse to not respond to that. He shrugged and continued to chew his sandwich, unable to lock eyes with his mom.

"James, don't ignore me. Tell me what happened." He wasn't sure if it was the heavy eyeliner or just her gaze, but he felt intimidated. He started to feel hot and he soon needed some fresh air.

"Mom, relax. Nothing happened." Lies. All lies. James placed his plate into the sink and ran some water over it. "I was just tired. Hey, I'm going up to do homework so—."

"James, please answer me _truthfully_!" Brooke interrupted, raising her voice. She was clearly annoyed at the way James wasn't answering her question directly.

"_Mom!_" I whined. "Can you just... not?"

She pushed her eyebrows together, narrowing her heavily lined brown eyes. "You're acting extremely weird, and you're going to tell me why. Are you and Carlos together?"

James sighed exasperatedly. "No, well, I don't know. All I know is he likes me and I like him. Is that good enough?"

Brooke shook her head. "Why was he in your bed?"

"I was tired but I didn't want to be alone," James stated very matter-of-factly. He could feel his mom staring at him, practically burning holes in his shirt.

She stepped closer to him. "You guys didn't… you know… right?"

James made a disgusted face. "Mom, please! Of course _not_!" How could she think that he would just have sex with someone he had just met a week ago?

Brooke had somewhat of a relieved expression on her face. She relaxed and took a huge breath. "James, I'm very happy for you. You found someone new." She was smiling brightly, bringing her son in for a hug.

"Thanks," James mumbled, his face buried in his mom's shoulder. She released him from her grasp and squished his cheeks.

"Well, Mom, I got to go do homework and then sleep, okay? Good night." James kissed Brooke on the cheek.

"Good night, Jamie," she cooed as he left the kitchen. He rolled his eyes. It was so like his mom to treat him like a little baby and call him by his childhood nickname, Jamie.

* * *

><p>When Carlos's alarm went off, he turned it off almost immediately. He had never been this excited to go to school, not even for a girl he dated. But somehow he knew that nothing could go awry if James was there with him. He smiled as the sun shone brightly through his window and sighed blissfully. He swung his legs to the edge of the bed and used his strength to push himself off. Even the contact between his fluffy carpet and his toes made him smile. He sauntered to his closet and carefully chose his outfit. After finally settling with a purple and black ¾ sleeved shirt and a pair of dark denim, he strolled to the bathroom singing.<p>

_"My head's stuck in the clouds. She begs me to come down, says, 'Boy, quit foolin' 'round.' I told her I love the view from up here; warm sun and wind in my ear, we'll watch the world from above as it turns to the rhythm of love."_

Carlos grabbed his toothbrush and squeezed some toothpaste onto the bristles, still singing.

_"We may only have tonight until the morning sun, you're mine, all mine. Play the music low and sway to the rhythm of love."_

He started to brush his teeth, resorting to humming the Plain White T's song. He was interrupted by his dad standing beside the door.

"Hey Carlitos. What are you so happy about?" Light wrinkles formed around his eyes as Mr. Garcia smiled at the sight of his son so chipper in the morning. Carlos was by no means a morning person. _At all_. "Mama and I could hear you from the kitchen."

Carlos spit the toothpaste into the porcelain sink and gurgled some water before spitting it back out. He put his toothbrush back into the holder and wiped his mouth with a towel.

"Is it a crime that I'm happy?" Carlos inquired, walking past his dad. Mr. Garcia followed Carlos out into the dining room and took a seat at the table. Carlos soon joined his dad after pouring himself some cereal and milk.

His father chuckled. "Is there a new girl in your life?"

As if on cue, his mom walked in, asking, "Carlos has a girlfriend?"

"Uh, something like that I guess?" Carlos nervously answered and proceeded eating his breakfast at the speed of light. He placed his empty cereal bowl and spoon into the stainless steel sink and grabbed his backpack. He slipped into his vans and grabbed his car keys. "I'm leaving!"

Without waiting for an answer, he opened the front door and stepped into the cool Minnesota breeze. _That was the most awkward thing ever,_ he thought as he got into his car. He started his car and pulled out into the driveway, heading towards school. He turned on the radio and coincidentally, it was playing "Rhythm of Love." He sang along the whole way, eager to see James's beautiful face again.

He pulled into an empty parking space somewhat close to campus and got out. He got his hockey duffel bag from the trunk and slung it over his shoulder. He already missed one hockey practice, and the championships were drawing near. He couldn't afford to miss another.

"Carlos!" He turned around and saw a very out of breath Logan trying to catch up to him.

"Hey, man," Carlos greeted, bumping fists with Logan.

After Logan got his breath back, he replied, "Hey Carlitos. Where were you and James yesterday after school? Y'all didn't show up at practice."

"Yeah, we had a thing we had to take care of." Carlos rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

Logan shot a weird glance at him. "Like what…?"

"Don't worry about it," Carlos assured him.

"…Okay. If there's anything you need to tell me, you know I won't judge you right?"

Carlos nodded. _Is Logan onto something? Is he hinting that he knows I'm gay, er… James-sexual, and wants me to tell him?_ He sighed. "Wait, Logan."

Logan turned around and noticed Carlos stopped in the middle of the hallway. "What's wrong?"

"I'm in love with James." Carlos braced himself for the worst, but only heard laughter. Carlos peered through his eyes to see his friend clutching his side. He scrunched his nose and pouted, crossing his arms. "And what's so damn funny about this, _Mitchell_?"

"That fact that you think I don't know that," Logan gasped in between breaths, wiping a tear from his cheek. He stifled some more giggles, hand over his mouth.

Carlos looked mildly offended and wanted to slap Logan. "Wha—? How did you know?"

"_Dude,_ who doesn't? Me and Kendall—we both know. It's kind of obvious. The way you freak out when he's not with us, the long, loving stares you send his way during class and when he talks—it's all so obvious." Logan stopped when he acknowledged Carlos's gaping mouth, just hanging there. He closes Carlos's mouth. "You'll catch flies."

"We kissed," Carlos blurted.

Logan's eyes brightened and his eyebrows were raised. "Really? That's good to hear."

Carlos sadly shook his head. "It's not. Falling for someone is probably the _last _thing he wanted. I mean, he might've been happy yesterday in the moment, but he's not going to want to come out."

"What are we talking about here?"

Carlos and Logan whipped around to see Kendall approaching them. They exchanged hellos before answering his question.

"Ah, so Carlos hooked up with the James huh?" Kendall smirked and his green eyes flickered with mischief.

Carlos turned bright red like a tomato. "Not hook up! We only kissed."

"Well, as far as we know," Kendall joshed, winking. Logan was attacked by laughter.

"Guuuuuys!" groaned Carlos, pushing his bottom lip out.

Before anything witty could be said, they jumped at the sound of a locker door slamming loudly a few feet away from them.

"Hey James," Kendall called.

James turned around and smiled. "Hey guys." He zipped up his backpack and swung it over one shoulder before walking over to his group of friends.

Logan welcomed him with an arm around James's shoulder who received a quizzical look from the tall boy. "So we heard the news."

James scrunched his eyebrows. "News? What news?"

Carlos grumbled. "Logan…"

"Sh, don't speak." Logan grinned slyly and exchanged suspicious glances with Kendall.

"You guys are weird," James simply stated, about to turn around and leave. He didn't want to be caught up with them. He knew something was up. Carlos didn't tell them, did he? He knows that James is nowhere ready to be coming out, even to friends. It was too risky for him and he would always live forever in paranoia.

"Wait," Kendall said, pulling James back into the circle. James sighed.

"Guys, don't do this. I'm serious," Carlos started, voice filled with seriousness, but was hushed by Logan.

"We are aware of your relationship between Carlos and you," Kendall said, looking at James. James's eyes went big and he shot daggers at Carlos. Carlos looked like he was about to say something, but didn't know what. Instead, he chose 'sorry.'

"You told them?" James whispered, voice shaky and breathless. He suddenly found his shoes extremely interesting.

"They already knew. And you can't expect me to not tell my best friends! They're not going to judge you." Carlos answered, feeling guilt consume his body as he took notice of James's hurt expression.

"Carlos you _know_ that I… I can't." James looked up with red eyes, tears just threatening to spill.

"James, I'm sorry. I won't tell anyone, I swear. And they won't either." Carlos side glanced at both Kendall and Logan, silently pleading to say something. Well, anything that will help James calm down.

"Dude, we're sorry. We should've been respectful so don't blame Carlos. He had nothing to do with us," Logan apologized, pulling in James for a side hug.

James didn't say anything. Logan looked at Kendall who shrugged and looked at Carlos. Carlos sighed and stepped up in front of James, taking his hand. He was surprised to have James pull it back. He looked up at James for an explanation.

"We're at school, Carlos. People can see us," he muttered, still unhappy. It wasn't his fault, and he wasn't blowing this out of proportion. If anyone else had to go through what he went through back in New York, they wouldn't have it either. He was scared that people will find out and judge him, and he'd have to resort back to the only way he knew how to cope. He was counting on Carlos to keep him safe. He wasn't ready, and Carlos had known that.

They were interrupted by the bell ringing and Carlos walked James to class.

"James, please don't be mad at me. I'm sorry, I was stupid and—" Carlos looked around to see if anyone was near him before he whispered. "_I love you._"

James smiled a little bit and murmured a quick "I love you too." Carlos sighed and gave him a quick hug. He figured he should give James some space.

* * *

><p><strong>This wasn't really that eventful. :( But drama will start up!<br>**

**Leave some reviews and feel free to message me with ideas!  
>Actually that'd be wonderful. :) I'm going to start replying to the reviews now... Bye! <strong>


	8. A Harsh Beginning

**YAY, updated. I'm seriously brain dead & absolutely out of ideas for my Kogan story, so if you read it, PM ME. Seriously, give me an idea because I don't know where to go with it. I like writing long stories, as you can see, and I don't want to just have them have a happy ending just like that.  
>Of course if I have no other choice, then I will just add one more chapter and end it.<br>Okay anyways, back to this story... **

* * *

><p>James slumped into his chair and dropped his backpack beside him. He shut his eyes momentarily as he waited for the final bell to ring. His head was aching from his brutal, unforgiving hangover and the fact that Carlos had told Logan and Kendall about what happened wasn't helping all that much. <em>James, you're being ridiculous,<em> he said to himself. _They are evidently still your friends, so stop being so paranoid._ He sighed. He couldn't help but think what if word got out? There was no way he can move again. He was interrupted, however, by Kendall running in a few seconds before the bell rang. Kendall quickly slid into the empty seat next to James.

"Hey," Kendall greeted, breathing heavy. James assumed that he ran all the way from his locker, which was halfway across campus.

"Hey," James replied with a lack of enthusiasm. In a way, you could say he felt ashamed. Ashamed that he was so dejected just because Carlos had told them what happened the day before. He felt he had blown the whole thing out of proportion, but he couldn't bring himself to forgive Carlos. It was as if what he went through in New York had left his heart in a fragile state that any bit of stress and worriment would make the heart give out and quit. And Carlos knew how touchy he was about it. He started to feel angry all over again. Why did Carlos have to say anything?

"You okay?" Kendall asked, concern etched in his face. Kendall could see a dark gloom cascaded over James's usual bright, hazel eyes, and that worried him. James tried to say something, but nodded.

"Fantastic," James said, but it sounded more like a whisper than anything else. He turned back to the lecture and pretended to pay attention. In actuality, he was lost in his own violent sea of thoughts; all he really wanted to do was to break down and say he wasn't okay. To not keep everything bottled up and just let everything out for once; to let his guard down and let people help him. But James knew that it wasn't him. The only thing James Diamond was good at besides hockey was pushing people away, especially the ones that care and love for him. So why would he do anything different with Carlos? It's not like he deserved any love. He started to sink his nails into his arm under the table. It was a bad habit; whenever he felt conflicted, release through pain was the way he dealt with it. He closed his eyes as he tried to block out the pain on his arm. _You don't deserve Carlos and you don't deserve happiness._

He looked down at his arms. They weren't too bad, nothing he couldn't get out of. He sighed in his head. This was how it goes every time. One minute he forces the blame on someone else, angering himself. Then as if the last few minutes never happened, he would just take the blame and put it on himself, just tell himself he was worthless. He was on a emotional roller coaster that never stopped, it seemed.

He was startled out of his thoughts as his chemistry teacher, Mr. Reed, slammed some lab instructions onto his table. James looked up to meet his eyes, but instantly looked away when he saw Mr. Reed sending him death glares. James sighed with relief when Mr. Reed continued to hand out the papers. It must have been so obvious he was out of it if even he noticed. He handed Kendall the paper, forgetting about his mildly scratched up arm. The scratches just barely broke the skin, not drawing any blood. Kendall's eyes instantly widened at the sight though. Of course he noticed. Kendall fucking Knight.

"Whoa, dude, what happened?"

James quickly tucked it away, casually.

"I was playing basketball yesterday and I tripped over my bag. My arm just lightly grazed it, that's all." James stated matter-of-factly, eyes fixed to the chemicals in front of him.

Kendall seemed to buy it because he joined James, reading the instructions aloud as they followed the sheet, step by step. The whole time, James was barely listening. He still had to think about what to do with Carlos. He got mad at Carlos for no reason, really. _I'm a horrible person. I don't deserve anything from anyone. I even lied to Kendall to his fucking face. What kind of person am I?_ James quickly scribbled down some answers underneath each question germane to the lab they just did and handed it to Mr. Reed without a double take. The bell rang and James took off without another word. He had heard Kendall say bye, but wasn't entirely sure and sure as hell didn't say anything back. He took a deep breath and stepped into his second period classroom. _Today is going to be a long day..._

* * *

><p><strong>After school...<strong>

"Where the hell was James today?" Carlos frantically asked his two hockey friends, only managing to acquire shrugs from them.

"He was acting really fucking weird in chem today," Kendall inputted, taking off his white shirt and stuffing it in to his locker in the boy's locker room.

Carlos noticed Logan's eyes linger onto Kendall's half naked body before looking up again.

"I haven't seen him all day." Logan turned back to his locker and changed into uniform.

Carlos was a fast changer and had already finished changing a few minutes ago. He sat down onto the bench, setting down his helmet and holding his hockey stick.

"It's all my fault." Carlos didn't look up when Logan and Kendall whipped around. He felt firm hands on both his shoulders as Logan and Kendall sat down next to him.

"It's _not_, don't you dare say that," Logan scolded, pulling Carlos into a side hug.

"How can it not be? I broke his trust. I have such a fucking big mouth that it ruins _everything_ good in my life." Carlos sighed and felt his eyes start to tear up. "Great, my eyes are going to be red and puffy."

They all turned towards the door as they heard it slam. James walked in, not even taking one look at his friends. He was too ashamed. The way he overreacted to the whole situation; he didn't deserve any sympathy and any friendship- and certainly not love. He had spent his lunch in the music room playing drums by himself. He was on pretty good terms with the music teacher, Miss Burns, and convinced her to let him stay and play in private. He never let anyone know he played the drums. In ways, it was also like his release; to just hit things (rhythmically of course) and let all the anger out. It never occurred to him that he was good at it. He tried his very best to not cut, and playing drums was his second go-to stress reliever.

He threw off his shirt after opening his locker changed into uniform, taking his sweet time. He could see Carlos, Kendall, and Logan gawking at him in his peripheral vision but chose to ignore it. He grabbed his helmet and stick after switching his sneakers for skates, and slammed the locker door shut. He looked around and everyone was already out in the rink. Well, everyone except for Carlos.

"James?" He heard a small voice say. James turned around and saw Carlos looking up at him with sad, puppy dog-like eyes. "If you're mad at me, I'm sorry for everything! I know that you weren't ready and I didn't even ask your permission!"

James sighed and sat down, motioning for the high-strung Hispanic to take a seat. "I'm definitely not mad at you. More like I'm mad at myself."

Carlos shot him a confused look. "_Yourself?_ You did nothing wrong..."

"I overreacted over something so small. Carlos, I don't know why you even like me." James turned toward Carlos, frowning.

"I _don't_ like you James. I love you." Carlos leaned in for a kiss but James turned away. "Right, we're in public."

James shook his head, suddenly erupting with anger. "_Don't you see?_ It's not whether or not we're in public, Carlos! We're not meant to be. I don't deserve you, Carlos. You're so much better than me. Don't waste your time with me-"

"James!" Carlos interrupted, practically screaming. He looked shocked and hurt. "How could say that about yourself? If it's anything, I don't know what I did to deserve a guy with such a gentle heart who looks like freaking Adonis! You're so _perfect_!" He reached for James's hand only to get rejected.

"If I was so god damned _perfect_, why the fuck do I have scars all over my fucking body? Huh? Why do I resort to hurting myself and everyone I love, if I'm what you say I am? Stop _lying_ to yourself, Carlos. You need to grow up and face fucking reality. I'm not your knight in shining armor and _nothing_ will change that." James got up, and left. He couldn't bear witnessing the love of his life sob because of him. He tried to tell himself he broke Carlos's heart for his own good, but guilt was stubborn. It wouldn't leave his mind. He took a deep breath and left the locker room, heading for the rink. Tears started making its way down James's face, but he wiped them away. _Stop crying! You did Carlos a favor._ He heard the coach yell something angrily, something about how James is late and he can't find Carlos, but he was too busy sulking. His heart was slowly dying, and he knew it. But it was for his own good. It was for the best for everyone. Now that Carlos is sad, he was positive Kendall and Logan won't want to talk to him again. He felt hot tears pour out like a waterfall as he realized that meant he had no friends. But it'll be okay. He survived New York; all the beatings and name calling is way worse than just being ignored.

Kendall and Logan skated their way to James, evidently aware of the tears streaming down his cheeks. He heard them asking him questions, but he couldn't bring himself to pay attention and answer. He brushed them off with a shake of his arms and skated to the middle of the rink. The coach blew his whistle, telling Kendall to start the drills after realizing that Carlos wasn't coming. Kendall started to shout out different drills, and they all followed his directions. Then they played a mini hockey game. But that was all James could remember before blacking out.

* * *

><p>James opened his eyes slowly, trying his hard to adjust to a blinding light he kept seeing. Then he saw faces- a lot of them. He opened his eyes completely and gasped as he saw a bunch of his teammates just looking at him.<p>

"James?" Coach shouted, sounding extremely distorted.

I lifted my chin up, only to have pain surge through my body. I let out a groan.

"James Diamond, are you okay?" Coach's voice sounded a bit more normal, but his question was stupid as fuck.

"No, I'm not fucking okay!" James shouted, wincing at the pain he felt all over his body. He felt strong arms help prop him up so he was sitting on the ice. His teammates lifted James and started to skate towards the locker room. They kicked off their skates and brought him into the locker room.

"We're getting the school nurse, okay?" they notified James before running off.

"Yeah, yeah," James grumbled, adjusting himself on the bench. He shut his eyes. _My life is so fucked up,_ he sighed to himself.

"James?"

James opened one eye, then the second as soon as he became cognizant of who it was. "Carlos...? What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be on the rink?"

Carlos looked down at him with his swollen, red eyes, an unreadable expression on his adorable face. "What happened?"

James shrugged, immediately regretting that decision as he let out a moan. He was breathing hard now, the pain increasing as his adrenaline decreased. He could feel himself sweat and heave as his body tried to ignore the extreme discomfort. "God!" he let out, exasperated.

"Oh my God, James are you okay?" Carlos asked, extremely concerned. It was so like Carlos to help the person that had previously ripped out his heart a hour ago.

James swallowed, eyes shut tight as he regained his composure. His heart beat steadied. "Yeah, yeah, just peachy. Where the fuck is the nurse?"

Carlos sighed. "James, we need to talk."

"There's nothing to talk about. I don't want you Carlos, can't you take a hint?" James refused to meet Carlos's eyes, afraid to see the hurt that must be reflected in the boy's eyes. He heard sniffling and his heart instantly dropped.

"NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURSE!" James wailed, trying to take his mind off of Carlos and to sound out the boy's crying. "!"

"Jesus, don't blow a casket," he heard a shrill voice say. "I'm coming, I'm coming." She pushed Carlos aside, ignoring that the boy was crying. She assisted James in taking his uniform off until he was stripped down to his boxers.

"Whoa, slow down lady. Don't get _too_ excited," James said sarcastically at the frantic motions of the old lady.

She rolled her eyes. "Don't give me that attitude unless you don't want me to check out the damage." She immediately jumped at the sight of his infinite amount of scars.

James's face turned a deep shade of crimson. "H-hey! Stop checking me out!" He crossed his arms across his chest, but uncrossed them as he felt sharp pain. "AH, FUCK."

The nurse rushed to his aid and helped him sit up. "Maybe if you stop being a brat and let me inspect you, it won't hurt so much, 'kay?" She poked around and investigated some bruises. She knew to say nothing about the scars and disregarded them. Hey, it wasn't her problem or business to be nosy.

"You're bruised pretty badly," she concluded.

"No shit, Sherlock," James mumbled, putting on a shirt with the help of the nurse.

She rolled her eyes for like, the tenth time. "I didn't finish. You have minor fractures in your rib cage and your ankle. Just take some pain killers and take it easy, alright? You have a bunch of cuts, probably from the ice. But for the most part, you're gonna be sore and there are gonna be some serious bruises all over your body. So don't do anything _stupid." _She packed up some medical equipment after wrapping his fractures to minimize movement and left.

He slowly stood up, forgetting that Carlos was still next to him. His right knee buckled as he hissed in pain. "Ow... my ankle. I'm an idiot," he murmured to himself. He felt an arm support him after he stood up.

"Hold on to my neck." He turned to see Carlos.

"Carlos, really, I'm fine." James tried to removed Carlos's arm slowly and gingerly, making sure not to hurt himself again. Carlos wouldn't let go though.

"Just get your stuff and I'll drive you home." Carlos didn't look at James, not even once. James let a tear slip as he remembered he was the jackass that broke this light-hearted, carefree boy. The boy that practically emitted and radiated love and happiness; the boy with a laughter so contagious that even people in the worst mood end up getting attacked by fits of laughter.

James could feel a lump developing in his throat. He cleared it, but the lump remained. "Uh, thanks," he heard himself weakly say and grabbed his backpack as he limped out of the locker room, hanging onto Carlos's neck.

* * *

><p><strong>Whoa, intense... Sorry to all the Jarlos fans that thought this was getting fluffy! ;D<br>Drama makes the world, doesn't it?  
>Bahaha, I'm a bitch. Don't worry though, THIS STORY WILL HAVE A HAPPY ENDING.<br>Unless I choose for it to end sadly... Idk.  
>R&amp;R!<br>If this story gets up to 50 reviews, I maybe make a sequel. :3 I have no idea, I've never done a sequel to anything...  
>WELL, that's cuz I didn't finish a story yet...<strong>

**OKAY, anyways. Hope you enjoyed it.  
>P.S. If I switch third person to first person throughout the story, I super apologize. I should've started this story in first person point of view, just because it's so much easier to write what they're thinking. So I didn't want to switch the whole P.O.V. and confuse y'all. KAY, BYE. <strong>


	9. Guilty Pleasures Never Leave

**I'm really fucking pissed right now.  
>I had to write this chapter like ten billion fucking times because Fanfiction doesn't like to save my progress!<br>UGHHHH, IT WAS PERFECT THE FIRST TIME.  
>Anyways, enjoy.<strong>

* * *

><p>The car ride back to James's house was extremely silent and awkward. James had given the keys to his car so that Carlos could drive him home. For the entire ten minutes, James had just been staring out the window, distracting himself from the thick tension filling the car. When they reached the Diamond estate, Carlos helped James from the car slowly and carefully. James limped into the house with Carlos keeping him stable.<p>

"James?"

He heard a voice from the kitchen, then footsteps.

"Oh my God, honey! What happened to you?" she exclaimed, running up to James's battered side.

"Hockey accident," I replied coolly.

Brooke turned to Carlos and brought him in her arms. "Thank you for driving my son home. Come in and make yourself at home!"

"Actually, he should probably leave," James suggested, resulting in his mom giving him the stink eye.

"_James_, where are you manners? Your _friend_ helped bring you home so the least we can do is get him something to eat. Are you hungry, Carlos?" she asked sweetly, turning to face Carlos.

James turned to face Carlos, seeing what he would say next.

"Um, I should probably be going," Carlos quietly said, knowing James didn't want to be around him. "Thanks, though, Mrs. Diamond."

Brooke frowned. "Well, alright. How are you going to get home?"

"I'll walk. It's only... a thirty minute walk." Before Carlos could turn around and begin his walk back home, he was stopped.

"Honey, I'll take you home," Brooke declared, grabbing her car keys.

"No, really it's-"

"It's fine," Brooke assured and pulled him towards her car. "I'll be right back, Jamie!"

Carlos waved bye at James between the gap of the closing door and James just smiled a bit. He sighed and went to go take some pain killers. He needed to take his mind off of the pain he felt all over his body. He just wish there was something that can take the pain off his heart. He swallowed a pill and leaned over the sink, closing his eyes. He wanted to vomit. _Get it together, James. Carlos doesn't need you anymore. You don't deserve him._ His eyes fluttered open and he looked around the kitchen until he stopped at the sight of a knife. He shut his eyes as tightly as he can and gripped the side of the sink until his knuckles went white. _Self control..._ He held his breath as the thought about rainbows and kittens, and not cutting. _Mom, please come home. I need someone to stop me from making a mistake._ That's when it dawned on him. He had already made the biggest mistake of his life: breaking up with Carlos. Even if James didn't deserve him, he should have just cherished the moment with Carlos. And what's another mistake going to do anyways? He slowly reached over, arm shaking violently and mouth dry. He began to cautiously drag the blade across his wrist. He had no reason to cut himself somewhere hidden; they'll just assume it was part of the accident. He was covered in cuts anyways. He smiled as he saw a small trail of blood rushing down his arm. One. He drew the knife again, a little bit above his first and pressed a little harder.

"I'm home!" He heard the door slam and jumped, creating a deeper gash than he intended to make.

_Shit shit shit! I'm so fucked. _He frantically washed the blade clean and threw it in the dishwasher. He ripped a piece of paper towel off and wrapped it around his wrist, sprinting towards the stairs.

"James? Where you going?"

_Damn, so close!_ He looked over his shoulder and saw his mom standing at the bottom of the stairs, arm crossed and perfectly plucked eyebrows furrowed.

"Uh, I gotta pee..." Without another word, James continued to sprint towards his bathroom. He closed the door and flicked the lock switch. He pressed his ear against the door to make sure his mom didn't follow him up. He proceeded to whirl around and took a big step to the sink. Suddenly, he saw a white flash, temporarily blinding him, and dropped to the floor with an audible thud. _What's going on? Why do I feel so light-headed...?_ He looked down at his wrist and his heart skipped a beat when he witnesses his profusely bleeding arm.

"Oh my God..." he gasped, lifting the blood stained paper towel. He pushed himself up only to fall back down again. He clutched his head and shut his eyes tightly. He was legitimately panicking now; the world was spinning around him. What was happening? He managed to glance down without lifting his head from the cold, bathroom tiles and saw that right beside his arms laid a pool of blood. His dizziness was increasing and his surroundings seemed to spin faster than ever. He knew he only had one choice.

"HELP! MOM! PLEASE HELP ME!" he screamed from the floor, starting to sob. He had never been more scared in his life; he never had meant to go this far with cutting. He heard thumping from outside as he laid there, eyes starting to close. He was tired, he could barely see, and everything sounded distorted. _This is it... I'm a goner._ The last thing he remembered hearing was the furious wriggling of the locked door knob, fists pounding on the door, and his mom calling his name.

* * *

><p>Carlos was on his bed, face stuffed in a pillow, sobbing. James didn't want him anymore and he couldn't understand why. What had he done to make James despise him so much? <em>I'm such an idiot. I can't believe I ruined the first, real relationship I ever had.<em> He lifted his head and stared at his tear-stained pillow case. He grumbled and grabbed a sheet of tissue from his box and blew his nose into it. _Get it together, Carlos. Stop being such a crybaby. _This only made him cry more.

_Bzzzzzz... Bzzzzzzz..._ He removed his face from the pillow and looked to the side. His phone was ringing. He reached over and read the caller ID. _James?_

"James?" Carlos said, picking up his phone. He had a tissue in hand and was dabbing at his wet face, stained from all his tears. He tried so hard to stabilize his voice, but it was apparent he had been crying.

"Carlos? This is James's mom." It sounded like she was sobbing. Carlos felt his heartbeat quicken.

"What's wrong?" he heard himself ask, bracing himself for the answer. There must've been something wrong! Why would she have his phone?

"It's James... He's... He's-" Before she could finish her sentence, she bursted into a fit of tears. She started to mumble incoherently.

"Mrs. Diamond, please calm down and tell me what's wrong!" Carlos jumped off of his bed and grabbed his car keys, jumping into his car.

"James isn't breathing..." she finally spat out before she began to sob again.

Carlos couldn't believe his ears. There's no way... No! He won't believe it. James can't actually be dead! "W-where are you r-right now?"

"At the hospital. Please, come quick!" Carlos hung up the phone, still in complete shock. What happened? He drove like a madman, taking sharp turns and speeding past stop signs, but that was the last thing on his mind right now_. _He didn't even bother wiping away the beads of tears that were blinding him as he drove. He just wanted to get there as fast as he could. He tried to find a parking space, but after five minutes of searching, he parked right next to a red line. He can deal with that later. He jumped out of his car and ran into the lobby

"Hey, sir! No running, please," the black lady behind the counter said angrily as Carlos approached her.

"Look, don't scold me, lady. You're not my mother. So shut up and tell me where James Diamond is," Carlos threatened, his words filled with venom. He really didn't give a fuck about being respectful right now when his world was crashing down on him. It's times like these that help people realize who they love and who they don't. And right now, Carlos was damn sure he _loved_ James. He didn't care right now that James probably doesn't feel the same way; all he knows is that he needs James.

"Sir, calm down. Please take a deep breath and-"

Carlos reached over the desk and grabbed the woman by her shirt. "_No, _you don't tell me what I can or can't do,_" _he asserted, teeth clenched and his free hand formed into a fist. He sighed and released her. "I-I'm sorry. Just tell me where James Diamond is."

Without another word, she started to fumble through her papers and stopped when she saw James's paper. "He's in Room C31, right down the hall sir."

He nodded his thanks and raced down the hallway. He stopped at C31 and slowly opened the door.

"Thank God you're here!" Brooke jumped to her feet and gave Carlos a big hug.

"It's the least I can do." Carlos pulled away from the hug and walked next to unconscious James lying on the bed. Carlos stared at the way James's hair fell over his forehead, skimming the top of his breathtaking, hazel eyes. Even when his hair was messy and undone, James was still the most beautiful person in the world. He let a tear run down his cheek at the sight of James laying in the hospital bed. The fact that he was hurt made Carlos's heart ache like a motherfucker. But most importantly? The fact that he let James slip through his fingers like sand absolutely killed him like a brutal slaughter. He extended his right hand and brushed James's fingers with his own. He looked up at the doctor, who was writing notes on his notepad. He swallowed before he finally asked, "What happened?"

The doctor ceased his rapid scribbling and looked up. His name tag read Dr. William A. Ponce. Dr. Ponce set down his notepad and walked next to Carlos. "He was cutting himself and he cut too deep." He then walked around the bed to James's left side and raised James's arm gently. "Cut right through a major artery and fell unconscious from too much blood loss." He picked his notes back up and started to write away.

"Will he be okay?" Carlos inquired, voice cracking. He wiped away a tear that was threatening to fall.

"He'll be fine, I'm sure of it. I'm just not sure when he'll wake up. His body is probably exhausted and just needs to rest. Don't worry, okay?" he explained, calming Carlos's nerves.

Carlos sighed and scooted a chair beside James. He sat down and burrowed his face into James's white blankets, crying into them. _I need you James. Please just wake up and tell me you're okay..._

* * *

><p><em>Am I in heaven?<em> James's eyes started to flutter open. The first thing he took notice of was the white ceiling. _Hm... I thought heaven was in the sky but..._ That's when he realized he was in a hospital. He scanned across the room, eyes stopping as soon as he saw his mom sleeping in a chair.

"Mom?" he whisper-shouted. Nothing. He snapped loudly a couple of times and groaned when he got no reaction.

"Mm... James..." James froze. _What the fuck was that?_ He whipped his head to the side of his bed, eyes widening.

"Carlos?" James shook the Hispanic boy a little, causing him to stir in his sleep and wake up. He lifted his head and looked around the room, dazed. He rubbed his swollen eyes and looked straight at James. He gasped when the fact that James was conscious hit him.

"James!" Carlos chirped and smiled. He grabbed James and pulled him in tightly for a hug.

"Ow..." James groaned. Carlos instantly loosened his grip but still kept his arms around the tall boy's body. Carlos pulled away, though, when he discovered the lack of James's arms around his own body.

"James?" Carlos questioned.

_Ugh, he's doing it again. Peering at me with those big, brown, beautiful eyes. Why is it so hard to say no to him? Saying no to him is like... kicking a puppy._ Except his usual chocolate brown eyes were murky with emotions of hurt and confusion.

"Carlos, this doesn't change anything," James whispered, his throat getting caught. He cleared his throat.

"...James," Carlos managed to say, voice cracking. "Please James, I love you. _I love you._ I need you! Please don't do this to me..."

"Carlos, **don't be stupid**! In case you haven't noticed, I'm in the hospital right now! I was **this** close to dying because I'm a fucking emotionally unstable douchebag. I have no self-control, and you know it. I have _volatile _mood swings like **every fucking second of my life** and I'm worthless_. _I'm undeserving of your love. You need someone who will treat you right; who is emotionally capable of handling himself... or _her_self... **and** you. Someone who will return his or her love the same way you do, and someone who is glad to show the world that you two are madly in love. I'm sorry, but that person isn't me. I'm afraid to tell people, you do all these things for me but I don't return the favor, and I get mad for the worst reasons ever. You're like godsent perfection, and me?" James let out an empty chuckle. "I'm nothing. So please get your head on straight. You don't need me. If anything, **I** need you more than you need me."

"SHUT UP!" Yup, that surely woke up Brooke. She looked at him and Carlos, deciding to leave for a bit. She quietly shut the door behind her. James turned to look at Carlos, tears pouring out like there was no tomorrow. "Stop saying that about yourself! You're perfect in every way, and you're **not** worthless _at all_! I'm no way close to perfect, I'm not really sure where you got that from." He took James's hand and laced their fingers together. "I want to save you from yourself, to be the one who helps you find happiness so you don't have to cut anymore. It's the closest thing to becoming a superhero, too." Carlos laughed weakly, but it still sounded beautiful. Hell, everything that came out of this boy's mouth was beautiful. This made James crack a slight smile. Then Carlos proceeded. "I don't want anyone else but you. _You're_ the one I'm madly in love with. Nobody's perfect, so what? Your imperfections make you who you are. In my eyes, you _are_ the closest thing to perfection. I would never hurt you; you make me way too happy. And trust me, **I need you**."

James smiled as tears started to fill his eyes- tears of happiness of course. He couldn't believe how sweet Carlos was. He _wanted_ to put up with James's mercurial mood_,_ he _wanted_ to be the one to save James from himself, and he _wanted_ to keep James happy for as long as they both lived. "I love you," James declared, bringing in Carlos for a kiss.

Their lips met and fitted together like perfect puzzle pieces. They pulled away, noses and foreheads still touching.

"I love you too," Carlos giggled, grinning like an idiot.

* * *

><p><strong>UGH, OKAY SO FINALLY.<br>You guys would not believe how much time I had to put into this. It kept on erasing...  
>Well, hope you had a good time! I know Kendall &amp; Logan are missing in this chapter, but I figured that James's mom never met Kendall or Logan so...<br>BTW, I've decided to add some minor Kogan? :D Yes? No? REVIEW AND TELL ME IF YOU WANT KOGAN.  
>Yaaaay! 3 Hope you liked it. <strong>


	10. Every Little Thing Fell Into Place

**I can't believe I'm about to say this...  
>This is probably the last chapter... :O<br>Gasp! I've never finished a story before.  
>Well... here it is.<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>At Kendall's house...<strong>

"So why didn't you guys tell us about this?" Logan asked, eyebrows furrowed and arms crossed tightly against his chest. How could his best friends not tell him and Kendall about something as serious as James almost _dying_ and being sent to the hospital?

"We didn't want you to worry. Plus, it was kind of personal, I guess," Carlos explained, holding James' hand as he fidgeted in the seat next to him.

"We wouldn't have judged you," Kendall grumbled, looking at the carpet of his room. He ran his finger across the fluffy surface, drawing shapes with his finger. Honestly, he felt upset that Logan and him were completely oblivious to this and that James didn't trust us enough to tell them.

James opened his mouth to speak, but closed it once he discovered he hadn't prepared anything to say. "Sorry" was all he could say.

Uncomfortable silence lingered in the air for a moment, but was broken when Logan decided to just change the damn subject. Obviously, James and Carlos didn't want to talk more about it.

"So you guys are together, huh?"

"Uh, yeah, obviously," James chuckled, raising their intertwined hands up in the air.

Kendall and Logan couldn't help but smile at the new couple. Yeah, they were upset that James and Carlos didn't tell them about the hospitalization incident, but what they really wanted was for them to just be happy, especially James.

"Congratulations," Kendall warmly said, pulling in his friends for a hug. "It was about time that _Carlos_ got a boyfriend. Jeez, I thought I'd have to pay a man to date this sucker!"

Logan broke out into laughter as Carlos' eyebrows furrowed and a frown appeared on the Latino's face.

"Shut up, Logan! We all know you're in love with Kendall," Carlos retorted, smirking when he saw Logan's face redden.

James attempted to stifle his laughter while Kendall sat awkwardly next to the tomato-colored boy.

Logan stuttered to say something, but instead checked his watch and scrambled to his feet. "Oh, look at the time! I should probably get going..."

"Aw where are you going, Logie? It's only 8:38 PM, what's the rush on a Friday night?" James singed, grinning as Logan's eyes practically popped out of his eye sockets.

"Um, you know... stuff," he managed. He felt a strong hand pull him down to the floor again and saw a smug (or maybe amused?) Kendall grinning at him, eyes sparkling with mischief.

James and Carlos jumped to their feet, still holding hands and began to head towards the door.

"Well, you kids have fun," Carlos said, winking at Logan as he dragged a laughing James out the door.

"Fuck you!" Logan yelled after them and slumped back against the wall. He didn't dare make eye contact with the blonde sitting next to him. Logan could feel the green orbs burning holes into him. Kendall must want to ask a lot of questions now...

"So Logie," Kendall purred, scooting closer to the brunette. "Are you leaving?"

Kendall placed his hand on Logan's thigh, still continuing to inch closer and closer. Logan felt his heart beat pick up speed and prayed to God the tall boy couldn't hear it. _Shut up, heart! Shut up! _Logan let out a nervous giggle and tried to move. _Nice going, legs. Now you choose to be unresponsive!_

"Kendall...?" he squeaked, eyes widening to an impossible size.

"Sh..." Kendall whispered, putting his index finger on the shorter boy's lips. "Don't talk, just kiss."

"Wha-?" Logan was cut off by Kendall's lips. At first, Logan didn't know what to do. He hadn't gotten his first kiss yet, and being himself, he was overthinking it.

Kendall pulled away, a slight frown on his face. "Logan, stop thinking and just do it."

"I-I don't know how!" Logan confessed, eyes looking at the carpet. "I've never done this before."

Kendall chuckled lightly, pulling Logan's face in close to his. "Don't think about it, alright?"

Logan nodded quickly and their lips met again. This time, Logan closed his eyes and just reciprocated whatever Kendall did. The kiss quickly heated up and Kendall was now on top of Logan, tongues clashing and battling for dominance. The war was rapidly won by the blonde as Logan's submissive personality and Kendall's dominant personality pulled through. Logan threaded his fingers into Kendall's blonde hair, tugging gently.

"Fuck, Logan," Kendall growled, attacking the brunette's lips even more.

Logan smiled into the kiss, happy he turned Kendall on just by a tug of his soft, blonde hair. He tugged again, just for shits and giggles.

"Ugh," Kendall moaned, stopping momentarily.

Logan let out a loud chuckle and pulled it again, making Kendall let out a louder moan. "Man, this is fun."

Kendall glared at him playfully. "Shut up, Logie."

He got off of Logan and rolled beside him, both laying on the plush carpet of Kendall's room. He immediately took Logan's hand in his.

"So... um, how long have you liked me?" Kendall asked, staring at the ceiling.

Logan turned his head to face his lover and laughed. "For the _longest time_. I can't even remember." He cleared his throat. "How about you?"

Kendall broke his gaze from the ceiling and reconnected it with Logan's. "Ever since I knew what the term 'gay' meant. I remember when you still had those huge, dorky glasses and braces." He paused and chuckled at the memory. "You were the dorkiest boy I've ever met, and from that day on, I _knew_ I had to have you."

Logan flushed a deep crimson and looked away. "You're so strange, Kendall. Only you get turned on by geeky losers."

Kendall flashed his pearly whites and turned Logan's face so he was looking at Kendall again. "No, I only get on turned on by geeky boys named Logan Mitchell."

"You're such a sap," Logan said, hiding his smile underneath his hands.

"Only when I'm with you, _boyfriend_."

Logan removed his hands from the face and looked at Kendall. Did he just say _boyfriend_?

As if Kendall had read Logan's mind, he laughed and said, "Yes, boyfriend. You're my boyfriend, Logie. Is that okay?"

Logan put his arms behind his head, head tilted as if in deep thought. He could see Kendall uneasy from the corner of his eyes. "Yeah, I think I can live with that," he finally answered.

Kendall let out the breath he was holding in and lightly hit Logan in the chest. "Way to give a dude a heart attack. Don't scare me like that, babe."

This time, Logan laughed. Kendall pulled Logan in closer until the brunette's head was comfortably laying on the blonde's chest. Kendall wrapped an arm around Logan's shoulder and kissed him on the head. Logan closed his eyes, snuggling into Kendall's embrace as much as he possibly can. As long as Kendall was there, he knew he'd be safe. Even getting good grades couldn't compare to how he was feeling right now. With Kendall, nothing else even mattered. Everything was just so... perfect now. James and Carlos had each other, and he had Kendall. And he hoped nothing will ever change.

* * *

><p><strong>Okay, I win the award for the CRAPPIEST ending in the entire world.<br>Considering this is my first ending that I've ever written, I hope you guys didn't expect much...  
>I know you guys were anticipating more chapters, but I kind of realized I couldn't add that much... So yeah.<br>Thanks for all the kind reviewers! I love you all! :3  
>Check out my other Kogan story andor Cargan/Kames story!**


	11. OMG I FERGOT ABOUT JO

**Someone brought up Jo.  
>And I had completely forgotten about her.<br>Why? BECAUSE SHE'S SO IRRELEVA****NT. Gr...  
>So I was wondering if I should retype the ending or if you guys just don't give a fuck about Jo, teehee. :D<br>Anyways, ADD A REVIEW AND TELL ME IF YOU WANT ME TO RETYPE IT,  
><strong>**OR JUST KICK JO IN THE BOOB AND LEAVE HER OUT. **

**:D Thanks. **


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